I feel like my heart has been torn into pieces, and my fat fucking body has to pay the price.

I am so empty, so alone, and I need this so badly. I need to make her happy, because I have failed everyone else. I need to feel the burn, and the ache, and overcome every craving.

I need the numbers to drop, and my being get smaller, while my will and strength get stronger.

I can do this. I knoww that I can

I feel broken and cracked, destroyed and desperate.

I ate so much today, which is absolutely disgusting, it's hard being on holiday, I'm always with Helen, and there are so many days I can make excuses, I don't want to hurt her. It kills me to think how she'd feel if she knew the turmoil inside of me.

If I can avoid all other calories for the rest of the night, I might be ok.

Otherwise, I am so fucking depressed.

Managed to lose some though.

People making comments. Try not to smile when they show concern.

I dont' want to hurt them, but I feel proud.

Like I'm succeeding

44.4

Feel like shit. Just ate crisps.

Eww

I'm typing this up in the hope that it disgusts and ashames me enough to fucking do something about it.

Yesterday

8 Jelly babies

1 chocolate

2 x bread rolls , one with lettuce, tomato, cucumber, one with nutella

9 x crackers

1/3 small popcorn

15 pods.

This is so fucking disgusting. I'm back up to 45 and I can fucking see why.

This is heinous, if I can't get back below 44.5, I can't live with myself any longer.

Bread

Mid- binge.

Just ate 3 pieces of soy and linseed bread.

I am fucking stopping now, this is disgusting.

It's no wonder I am so fucking fat.

Starve .

Starve it all away.

Hipbones

I love my hipbones, I want to see them more. I want them to show, proudly, so everyone can see the beauty of them.

4 crackers, 2 small chocolates a vege finger and some corn.

I fucking hate living with people. weekends are horrible, I have to eat around them, so they don't worry. Haven't weighed in yet, but now that I've eaten, the weight of all that is sitting in my stomach.

Disgusting.

Pizza

3 pieces of wholemeal, cheeseless pizza. The least I could probably have gotten away with, but tried to make it as lower calories as possible.

Walked around a lot today, burned some cals.

44.6